The Home Front

When I have nightmares about war, they are never about anything that I actually lived through or witnessed. Those things are only a backdrop; a theme that manipulates events to show itself and expose my deep-seated fear and horror. I could be dreaming about an event that has nothing to do with my experiences in combat, but when the fear creeps in and twists the dream to darkness, there it is. In a car wreck the mangled bodies are in Army Combat Uniforms, soaked in dark blood and screaming. In a lucid ride to the grocery store my truck is rocked by an IED. The mall becomes a dusty street market, filled with clandestine shrouded figures. In these situations, though, my persona in the dream goes from the man at home to the man in war. It's like some sort of defense mechanism. As soon as the shadow on the war's horror shows itself, I morph. I have my body armor, my rifle, and my beloved comrades are around me, even though I don't normally see them.  Sometimes I even hear the whir of the Abrams turbine engine; surrounding me in her impenetrable armor.


It becomes enough to quell the fear. So my mind adapts. In the heat of a counterassault; in the chaos of rendering aid; I hear a voice that is much too familiar. I'm taking cover from enemy fire and see my daughter, standing in the open.
"Daddy, what is happening?"
While I furiously try to stop arterial bleeding, I glance to my side to see my oldest son. He's wearing the same uniform I am.
"Dad, what do I do?"
While trying to recover from a blast that has destroyed my vehicle, I remember. My wife and 9 month old son were in the truck with me!


And so my mind generates the terror in exquisite ways. I scream at them.
"WHY ARE YOU HERE!"


In California yesterday there was another terrorist attack. A Muslim couple entered a crowded building and killed 14 people, wounding 17 others. I ask myself where this is headed. I ask myself if our streets are soon to become like the beleaguered places I have seen. I can face this weak, inept enemy any time and strike them down. I am not afraid of them.
I can't, however, fear for the safety of my family and try to fight.